A new chapter

Since this is my only journal, this is where I will write about this new chapter.  My mom, only 61, was diagnosed with advanced liver cancer today.  There is no cure.  The oncologist was very direct, gave us no timeline, but this will be what takes my mom away from me.  It was so surreal to be joking around with her in the car, in the waiting room and even after the appointment.  Our life seems so the same, but it's about to change drastically.   I can't see my life without her here.  I have never gone more than a few days without talking with my mom and now there is some invisible force that will take her away.

I am heart broken, yet feel so grateful for the ways that we have all been prepared over the past few years for this.  I feel the structure that has been built up in our lives, in our testimonies and in our family. I know that it was meticulously put together through Divine help.  I am grateful for this opportunity to focus, to get rid of extra things and to put my energies where they need to be.  I feel supported by amazing friends here and by my and my mom's guardian angels.  This day marks a shift in my life.  I'm not sure what the repercussions will be, but I will never see the world the same after today.  Life is good, but it has a funny way of teaching us truth.

No matter what, I know that I have an awesome mom.  A totally dedicated, honest, bold warrior mom.  She has faced the worst there is with humor and grace.  Today, she did the very same.  I broke down, she reveled in the fact that she never has to go back to her awful job again.  I sobbed, while she called her many close friends and comforted them.  I got angry, while she was stoked to go buy herself an iPhone 5 to replace her work phone.  No doubt, she will continue to teach me through whatever time we have left.  I do not doubt where her spirit will go.  I do not worry about her future.  I worry about her suffering and I feel really sorry for myself and for my kids.

I just have such melancholy tonight.  I need to get to sleep, I have a final in the morning, but all of that just seems so trivial.  Maybe I need my sleep tonic tonight or maybe I should just watch Pride and Prejudice until I doze.....Probably  both.....