Twelve days until induction and I'm not sure if I can make it. Waking up every morning at 5:00AM, feeling irritated with the world, and nesting to the point of insanity. I am cleaning out, decorating, organizing and rearranging my poor family to death. I just can't stop!
I find myself pulling out these little diapers and trying to imagine a bum small enough to fit inside.
I almost had a break down because we did not have car seat and stroller, so Jason finally accommodated me.
I completely pinked-out the girls' room. Everything is washed and readied.
Still, despite these new things around the house and my ridiculous belly bump, I feel totally in denial. I just can't picture myself with an infant, can't comprehend the many changes ahead and have a deep sense of uncertainty. My emotions are on the surface and my fragility feels totally exposed. The truth is that I have a really hard time with being out of control, especially with so many on lookers. I feel like I just want to hide in my house, figure this all out, and then go back to the world. Receiving help stresses me out, giving over the running of my house and family does not sound like a vacation, it sounds like torture!
In the past, I have snapped out of this pre-delivery psychosis immediately after I have the baby. I hope for the same, if not for me, then for my patient husband who seems lost trying to maneuver through my moods. It's like I know that I am being ridiculous, but my brain-mouth filter is totally gone. My insecurities translate into Jason having to listen to my ramblings all evening long.
One thing that makes this time better, is that with more kids, the time never drags. I am hanging on by a thread, but I do feel like I am hanging on.
