As a mom, I feel like I suffer much from a lack of fun which effects the whole house. Sometimes I wonder how I turned out so serious when I had one of the most fun moms around. (I guess she forgot to pass on the spontaneous- "what the heck, I'll jump in the tub" gene to me.)
I have a lot of fear that my kids will distance themselves from me as they grow older because I tend to be such a stick-in-the-mud RULE ENFORCER! Whenever I try to relax and let things slide, I feel like I pay for it for weeks trying to get the rules back in place.
So, I have become more and more strict and quick to discipline. I often cut them off when they try to explain, because if I listen too much it just seems to drag on and on.
Yesterday, we went for a walk and Jaxen got mad at me for not carrying his skate board for him. (Note: I told him not to bring the skate board and that if he got tired of riding it, he would have to carry it)
So I stuck to the rule---- because I'm the mean stick-in-the-mud mom--- and he stayed mad at me for hours. When he would walked past me his face would tense up and he would stomp on by. He talked friendly to Jason, but wouldn't forgive me until bed time.
My heart sank as I projected this relationship into the teenage years. Will I CONTROL away our relationship? Will he not trust me to listen, not want me to know of his mistakes because I react so poorly so often????
Lately, I have noticed Jaxen using the same mean tone of voice that I use on him and it cuts me to the core. I feel like I have such bad habits and that I have to work so hard to keep on my game. I have been praying for patience and for help in nurturing my kids with LOVE and FIRMNESS, but too often I get frustrated and react far below what I know to be right.
Today, my visiting teacher came and talked about the atonement and I saw a ray of hope for an "unfun" gal like me. She said that the atonement covers all of our imperfections and will make right the places where we have failed.
It occurred to me that this can happened for my kids and for me as a mother. All of these mistakes I am making can be overcome through the atonement. I often fall into the trap of feeling guilty and afraid that the Lord is angry with me for my mistakes, so I pull back from Him and try to make it through on my own merit. NOT A GOOD PLAN!!!!
The Lord knew we would make mistakes and knew that it was necessary for our salvation.
I guess I usually think of repentance for things like being unchaste or unforgiving of others. But today the words "infinite atonement" took on a whole knew meaning. It can make up for my "unadventorous/resistant for change" ways
It can make my kids whole in the places where I may leave gaps. In fact, if I can use the atonement to become better and teach me kids to use it, we may indeed grow closer because of our mistakes. I often think about these little spirits trusting me to be their mother and I feel so inadequate, but isn't that the beauty. Our children will be our greatest teachers, because expose our weaknesses and, if we let them, uncover our greatest potential.
I love my kids for loving me, for forgiving me so completely and for giving me rays of hope that I am doing an ok job. This morning my kids were playing so well together, killing dragons I believe, and on the way to church Madeline said to Jaxen.
"Jaxen, I think we are like best friends"
His response was "No, we're even better 'cause we're a family and that is forever, even in heaven"
Madeline: "Yeah, and we even are best friends with Elijah, even though he hits us and stuff"
Well, we're not quite ready for heaven, but we're working on it. (Even Elijah and his shananagins!)
11 comments:
okay, make me laugh then make me cry! that is the cutest thing I have ever heard! I think I feel exactly the way you do. The other night I got mad at Caleb for turning on the light to go to the bathroom. Yah, had to ask forgiveness for flipping out about something that prevented him from wetting his bed and being squirmy all night. Aren't you so glad we know what we know about mercy?!
First of all, you are one of the most fun people I know! You are a great mom. As a parent I always feel guilty for something. Is that the way parenting just is, or should we be a little easier on ourselves? Have to find the balance. Thanks for the reminder of the atonement. What your kids said was so cute. It too made me cry.
You are doing an awesome job Melissa!
What great visiting teachers! MAn, they came at the right time huh? And cute little story about JAxen and Madeline, I'm glad they love Elijah-man too :) I think all moms worry about the delicate balance of parent and friend relationships.
It's funny because I totally think of between you and Jason you are the FUN one (sorry Jason). Maybe you could jump in the tub too :0!
Oh Melissa, don't we love the stick in the mud parents? They keep us on the straight and narrow. Now having said that, I don't think you are that type of mom at all. Who else would get a dog that they don't love and keep it for forever, and then buy guinnea pigs and keep them for life and then replace them with about 500 dollars of fish???? I'd say that ranks in the crazy parent stage. Granted, if you took the 500 dollar fish and dumped them in the bathtub, I'd laugh. HEather
I'm part of the "stick in the mud"club too. I think it's a survival mode for moms(parents)who have a spouse that is busy providing for the family. So the majority of the parenting ends up in your lap.
I have to remind myself that the goal is to raise capable, self reliant adults.
It's because you love your kids SO MUCH that there are rules in place.
You are not alone in your feelings of feeling like the "bad guy" all the time.
Mercy and justice is such a wonderful principle that is so often forgotten in parenting. We want our kids to love us and always be happy and comfortable.
It's a good thing that kids have such an ability to forgive. If they don't right away, the next day they forget about it.
(music starts) "Your not alone!..... :)
Love you! Can't wait 'til your closer. Sorry I missed you your last visit.
I loved this post and so needed to read it after a week of spring break. I second all who say you are very fun, even if you don't get in the bath tub dressed. Let's just leave that job to the Grandmas! Thank goodness for them.
I love this post and can SO relate Melissa. I feel like I too am the stick in the mud mom. And yes, my kids have been known more often than not to talk back just how I talk to them. It definitely makes you think. What a cute conversation.
And congrats on the new house. Yay!!
Melissa!! I needed to read this this morning. I've been losing it so easily with my kiddos and there seems to be a thick mist of impatience settling on the household--for all of us! I hate it and struggle with finding that same balance of "loving firmness". I'm a rule-monger, too! This was so good for me, thanks for sharing.
Melissa! I so enjoyed your perspective on this matter, which I relate to in many ways. I love how your story ended - with the kids "getting it" - they already have a great eternal perspective - because of you!!!
Oh my - congrats on the house and good luck with the move. I cannot believe you are done! Can you believe it?
Melissa, I have never once thought of you as a stick in the mud, never once.
It is so hard enforcing consequences and I hate it when I have to, but you know those adults, the ones who never had any consequences, the ones who think the world revovles around them, the whiney, spoiled, entitled ones? No one likes them, or wantes to hire or marry or be friends with them. We aren't doing them any favors when we say one thing and don't follow through.
That being said, I have had to really check myself on what is important to draw those lines, you know? I think she sould have a coat, she doesn't want to, and it's not so cold that she will suffer serious consequences, so she can learn from that choice. There are things that I just say "I am done talking about this with you." end of story, because I am not negotiating with her, and other things that we "problem solve" about, do you want to brush your teeth before a story or after, then we both get our ways.
I am rambling, but the bottom line is that as mothers, we just have to do it prayerfully, and do it good enough. Not perfectly. You are not a stick in the mud. You are a rock-star mom and a rock star person Melissa. Seriously.
This is beautiful, Missa. Thanks for teaching me something new and needed today. You most definitely rock! And just for the record, you are a very fun mother. You are. Period. You have to belive me on this one because I have seen you in action.
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